Monsoon of tears...

Written on 29 July 2013

2 months n counting… It has been the monsoon when the skies opened and let tears pour down, soaking the earth with pain that was unfathomable for us… it has been the monsoon when we lost him forever… our precious little child that all of us held close to our hearts… i have memories that date back to the days when i’ve held him as a cute adorable thing in my arms, memories of taking him for bike rides in my scooty n being tortured by his karate kicks when he was a toddler,  of having pillow fights n hugging him n sleeping when he was a school boy, n sharing his most intense secrets n regrets when he grew up to be a teenager… yes he was nineteen, but he was still my baby…  n him… he had the heart of gold..  a 19yr old who loved little children and melodies and nature… something u rarely find in teenagers of this era…  he loved us all of us so much though he found it hard to express most of the time.. but i’ve seen his heart, how beautiful he is inside… n the very fact intensifies the hurt i feel of having lost him n enunciates the gravity of the loss… the waves of grief, inexplicable n overwhelming… n i kno that the pain of it will loom over any happiness i may ever have in this life….. i love the rains, n have been waiting each so-called ‘monsoon’ seasons that went past in the previous years, with hardly any rain to cool my mind.. n the incessant torrent of rain that started this monsoon season, on the day he faded into eternity, hasn’t ceased ever since..  the irony of it all is that, he too loved the rains more than anything, n he never got to enjoy this beautiful rainy season… n i too, though long-awaited, never got to revel in this magic of nature… cos tears or rains, i no longer can tell apart…..

Everything happens for the good, does it really?!?

Written on 5 Aug 2011

I have heard time and again from a myriad of sources, “Everything that has happened, that happens, and that will happen, are for the good”.. All my life I have tried to believe these words, and whenever I couldn’t, I would delve deep to unearth reasons to believe it..or even concoct and manipulate the implication of events happening around me, to vindicate this particular saying.. Now I think, why did I try so hard for it? Only to let life take me through a maze of ambivalent thoughts and bring me to this juncture where I think of the same from an entirely different angle..?!? There are people who have experiences in their life wherein they feel, everything was preplanned..everything has a purpose, even the most minuscule of events in their life is destined..and that their life itself is a long winding string connected by a number of disconnect joints, which all make sense only when u stare at it from a distance, ie after a long period of time..and then, you see the bigger picture.. Though I was an ardent follower of the idea for years on end, I now have a disparate opinion.. I feel life is just a gigantic clutter of strings and joints, connected to each other in diverse permutations just ultimately resulting in event after event in each of our lives.. Don’t you think this is less of a non-sequitur than the above said?? I believe all of our lives are interconnected and each minute action a person takes influences the result of a zillion things happening in the world, 99.99% of it without him even knowing it.. I believe that infinite number of erratic things occur in this world in an utterly chaotic manner the control of which none of us wield, and the aftermath of each ‘connection’ is sometimes good, otherwise bad.. When the repercussions are favourable, we use the above saying and justify it, if not we just pacify ourselves with, ‘Something better is yet to happen, and hence it turned out like this’.. Food for thought, ‘Are we being too optimistic with life rather than accepting the fact that SHIT HAPPENS that too quite often; there is just no rationale or reasoning for it!’

P.S: It also means that just because shit has happened a 1000 times, it does not serve as a guarantee that it would not happen for a 1001st time!!

The year that transpired.. its aftermath..

Written on 1/1/2012

The past year had been nothing but a bag of shit dropped right at my door step time after time… If the year had to offer anything that could be categorised to be in the range of atleast mediocrity, I would have been mighty pleased.. But no, I had to scoop up all the shit that was thrown my way, and put on the world’s best act as if all is bright in sunny paradise.. Well, let bygones be bygones.. However, the year did have a few milestones from my life’s point of view.. For one, I transformed to an agnost, which came as quite a shocker to those who thought they knew me well… Though the decision might have been discerned as kind of untoward and sudden to those around me, I would barely call it spur of the moment.. It seemed like I was living in a pseudo belief for a long while, my head clamoured with all that was told to me over years, till I stopped and put my foot down at some point from where on my views and perceptions have been evolving.. And also, I have stumbled upon quite an enlightening fact that pessimism works the best, and that’s my way forward.. You give in your cent percent in whatever you do, expecting that in all probability a favourable result might NOT ensue.. So whichever way the wind sways, you wont find yourself in a predicament where in you are disappointed and distraught.. And my action plan for the year that kicked off today is that I am going to hold on tight to my perceptions and decisions however bonkers they may sound.. :D

P.S. : Those of you who find the above words offending, kindly ignore the note.. :)

Trifles of life....

Written on 30 July 2011

Of late, I try to find happiness in things that are trivial to most people, the lesser joys of life... I like to laugh out loud just after waking up, thinking of the funny dream I had the night before…  I love the joy that I experience when I hear a song that touches my soul n I can’t stop myself from listening to it, even while taking a shower… I like to smile to myself while in kitchen thinking of having a ‘gulab jamun’ just after breakfast… I love the way my heart yearns to hear my baby cousin’s voice over the phone, from thousands of miles away… I get ecstatic while playing Xbox and I kick Superman’s ass... I relish the fact that I am able to squeal with laughter while watching a hilarious video that my friend posted on FB, and my eyes fill up… I adore the satisfaction I attain when I go ballistic while some random guy overtakes my car rashly, and I race him till I give him a dose of his own medicine... I feel genuinely touched when I cook dinner and my friends lick the vessel to the very bottom... I jump with joy when I check out India’s score and they are on their way to victory… n I feel at peace when I slump down on a couch reading a book of my choice while listening to the pitter patter of raindrops kissing my window sill … I literally revel in such trifling joys that every day throws my way... for, the greater pleasures of life do not seem to be part of my life’s dictionary; they never were… Some stories are poignant… They have only melancholic chapters… the protagonist knows not what true happiness is… But then again a question arises… how do you define true happiness… When you are truly happy, who knows, may be your perception about happiness might take a leap and transgress uncharted territories…

Villain in Disguise

Written on 18/4/2014

Over past 2 days the print, visual n social media have been flooded with details of how a heinous crime was committed against a mere 4 year old by a young man goaded by his carnal needs.. He went to the extent of committing 2 ruthless murders without so much as a second thought.. The more unfathomable part is the fact that the one who abetted the crime was none other than the child's own mother.. The fact that a woman who gave birth n took care of the child for 4 years could be complicit in murdering the same child is beyond belief for the whole of humanity itself.. Everyone is cluelessly wondering how she could even form such a thought in her head.. Questions like "why cudnt she just get divorced n get married to the guy", or "why cudnt she just run away with the guy leaving the child" etc have been running rampant.. Why did the child have to pay such a high price for the waywardly desires of her mother n her lover, is something I've been hearing ppl wonder over with no apparent answer in mind.. And all that keeps popping in my head as an explanation to this inexplicable conundrum is the fear of societal nonconformity.. They were so afraid of not complying to societal norms that they thought it better to commit 3 gory murders and try to get away with it inorder to fulfill their dream to be together.. How else can u explain them not taking the normal route of getting divorced and remarrying instead of venturing into such dark waters.. Guess the possibility of bringing on the wrath n ridicule of the society might have made them think the ignominy of it is unthinkable compared to the pain to be endured and mental strength required to kill one's own child.. Without overlooking the fact that the crime they committed deserves no justification watsoever, I'm still appalled as to how much pressure the society n moral policing has an effect on each individual's lives... Even to the extent of literally turning many people's lives overnight into nothing less than a living hell... N noone ever thinks abt the real question; are the only culprits Mrs.Anushanti n Mr.Nino Mathew.. ?!

Appeal and Appease !

I remember when I was little I used to go to temples, see all the deities one by one, lay down my prayers, and put one tiny shiny coin of 50ps in those huge belly-sized donation boxes royally placed in front of each one of them.. When I look back, I can clearly comprehend the reason why I used to do that.. It was perfectly clear in my head, and I had a completely logical explanation which made absolute sense then.. I used to think those were piggy banks of each god and that all of us supplicants who submitted our grievances were "supposed to" (u know like that was mandatory) bribe them with a little something if we were to be granted a favourable outcome for our requests/complaints/wishes... There were times when I used to run short of coins by the time I reached the last deity, n I would promptly append my prayer request with, “Sorry, next time I’ll make sure I’ve even valued coins to give everyone” or “Please collect your share from Ganesha, OK?” (Since Ganesha never failed to get his share from my kitty owing to his placement in temples).. To think that all this hokum made perfect sense to me then is quite a wonder to me now.. I can only describe it as the naivety of an 8 year old.. But the fact that this kind of appeasement seems quite logical to many ('many' would be an understatement) fully-grown adults makes me again wonder, in fact leaves me baffled.. Is it because they are as gullible as a little child or is it plain stupidity ...N sadly I can only go with the latter now that I have a perfectly rational brain !!

I wish I could get into these people's heads and rack their brains a little to find the answer to why in the world they would not only think but also believe with complete conviction that the so-called gods (whose existence n the practice of putting faith in them is again debatable) would actually shower them with blessings if they pour them with gold, silver or pieces of paper.. I totally get it when people donate into charity boxes of religious institutions thinking the goodness would be returned somehow, somewhere, sometime in their lifeline.. But splurging your hard earned money on these so called exorbitant "offerings" does not make any sense to me on any levels of logic that I'm capable of thinking.... Gods, if u r somewhere or anywhere around I only have one thing to ask of u.. save these block heads from shelling out their money on things that u guys r actually least bothered about.. Enlighten those dim-witted brains not to expect your philanthropic wand to cast magic over their lives, just because they just dropped off a sack full of bankrolls in front of your clay|stone|silver or gold statue in some temple, church, or even worse to make some gold and silk 'veil' to cover your mosque! I guess it is very evident that someone's behaviour irked me that I ended up puking all this.. Well, there is nothing more pathetic than such people parading right in front of u, n 'flaunting' with pride their so called bribery list and expecting u not to mutter under your breath ‘moron’! Our people are so eager to pour money on so many antics to be on the good books of these benevolent gods - bonsai-sized gold n silver idol replicas as gifts, jewelry for the goddesses, beautification of idols inside temples n churches, 'Kiswah', n a gazillion other religious practices, and even building new palatial abodes for the so-called almighties, in a world that is supposed to be home to the 20,000 odd children who die due to poverty every single day! Have heard the adage that helping hands are holier than praying lips.. n we live in a world where people are under the delusion that bribing hands are the holiest! 

*P.S. : If the note has hurt any briber's religious sentiments, it is entirely intentional !!

A whiff of bliss

That’s the thing about friends.. Friends are like coins, the older they are, the more valuable... And there is nothing like catching up with an old friend after years.. After the awkward starting trouble to get talking, u reach the point of rambling jabber abt ur exciting new lives, what has changed over the years and then the back-when-stories of good old times start tumbling out.. U laugh over the inanities of the past n the long-forgotten jokes n u feel so much at home that u almost get teleported back in time.. And along the conversation, u stumble upon those wee moments that get u reminded where u were at one point in time, n where u have reached now.. How much life has taught u in terms of what's important n wats not.. Who really matters n who shud be given the middle finger.. The difficult roads u chose, the thorns, the pebbles n the milestones on the way, and more importantly the transcension from naiveté n petulance to self-esteem n confidence..  It is like a flashback of ur past decade with just the highlights playing... N along that movie in ur head u feel these infinitesimal whiffs of bliss that makes u feel pride, mirth, n hope.. All owing to the fact that u r resplendent with the wisdom that the past is to be cherished, n it doesn't possess the power to mar ur heart anymore.. That profound thought is what brings the whiffs of bliss.. Makes ur mind invincible.. Makes u feel free within.. Gives u wings.. N I'm just grateful for those tiny slices of happiness that was brought my way today.. 

New-found Love!

If u ask most of the people who know me as more than an acquaintance, they would say I’m one of those gals whom u could easily mistake for a guy.. All throughout my life a lion’s share of my closest friends have been guys and time and again I’ve heard each one of them say, ‘U should have been born a guy’! I don’t know if it was a compliment or not, but never really bothered with what insinuation it had anyway.. This is just how I’m! Till about 12 yrs even my visage and demeanour was nothing but a little impish boy’s – that together with the tattered denims that I could always be spotted in, the unkempt looking boy cut which was a fad during that decade and tanner-than-tanned skin owing to being a tree-climbing, scooty-riding, basketball-playing wimpy little brat made me a pseudo male back then itself.. And the highlight of the latter years of my life has been my daredevil attitude, considered an anathema for gals in our part of the world.. Precisely the reason why everything I did was frowned upon by the society that I lived in, one that rides high on the so-called ‘cultural’ values and a priceless set of decorum supposedly handed down generations, wrapped safely in a treasure coffer! Basketball, cricket, videogames, cars, racing, adventure sports, trekking, turning up home way past my curfew time, high tolerance level for squeamish topics, u name anything boyish I was all out for it.. However, one thing extremely boyish, but that never managed to impress me was… ‘Football’ ! Never ever did I even bother to sit down and watch a whole game end-to-end. Football seemed to me like a game played by 22 dorks relentlessly and laboriously chasing a ball for 90 mins, with nothing eventful happening whatsoever.. I guess u cud blame it on the 2 matches that I did try to watch a long long time ago (with intermittent hiatuses ofcos), both of which ended in a tie of 0-0. N I wondered what was the whole frickin’ point ?!? I gave up on football ever since and cared two hoots about anything even remotely related to that sport.

But somehow I ended up watching football this world cup season, partly because in the recent past I had taken up a resolution to try out new things in my life, things that i never had time for before and partly because I was practically jobless during the insomniac nights. So why not give football another chance, I thought – and thus started my love affair with the beautiful game. The short prep given by a friend proved useful. So initially most of the time was involved in me trying to figure out subtle elements of the game, like how a team was given a corner kick, which is a foul and which is not, penalties and yellow cards etc. But yes, the patience paid off.. Though still not adept, I’ve somehow figured out the basics and that really did turn around my vantage point of the game. The thing is, u can never watch the game like u watch cricket, while gobbling up your dinner, or while casually chatting with friends on the phone with just half an eye on the TV.. The game strictly demands your full undivided attention. Me watching Brazil matches has helped cuteness king Richie Rich of football – Neymar, get one more fish in his sea of fans, and it literally broke my heart to see him being lifted off the ground with the broken vertebra.. Though Messi’s face is a little messy to look at, his dance with the ball is beyond words.. and oh no.. I so detest James Rodrigues for his Oscar-winning acting performances.. The tide of exhilaration that washes over u when the team u support hits an unforeseen goal, the surging anticipation that u have while the teams are clashing horns on the field, the wave of relief that comes over u when your opponent team misses a penalty shoot, the rage that mounts inside of u when your favourite striker is marked and fouled repeatedly – the game is filled with spectacular moments that truly take your breath away.. To me the game has started feeling like a nail-biting thriller flick, complete with its fair share of action, drama, dance and suspense, and the climax of which keeps u glued to the TV sets till the last minute.. And sometimes it gets even better with an additional time and penalty shoot out, sort of like an encore played just for the fans!

And all I can say is Football u beauty, I’m forever in love with u!!